Melancholy and Cool, Kind Of Bittersweet

Modcloth.com, $24.99

You see these two people? I'm pretty sure they're in love. And you know what? I've wanted that my entire life. Sad? Yeah, maybe a little sad, but my whole life I have desperately wanted to be in love. I mean, I would pine over the guy I liked and just completely fall for him...in secret. He, of course, would have absolutely no idea that I even liked him because I have become such an expert at hiding my feelings. Hiding my feelings meant never getting hurt, and that was the underlying goal that I never knew I had until recently. I was under the impression that the goal was to fall in love. But then again, I didn't know a lot of things until recently because over the past few months a lot has changed.

I met a boy. And he liked me. And I decided to give it a shot because I stupidly assumed that because he liked me first, that meant that he liked me more and that gave me a certain amount of control over what was going to happen. I was wrong. Because I fell for him... and I fell hard. It was completely unplanned, completely spontaneous, and completely terrifiyng. And even though there are times that I am so happy and can't believe how lucky I am to have this perfect boy in my life every single day, there are days, like today, that I'm terrified. Days that make me scold myself for not being more careful. Because now this boy means more to me than I could have even imagined, and I'm afraid he hadn't planned for it to go this far.

Maybe if he wasn't so genuine, and sweet, and caring, and funny, and awkward, and talented, and wonderful, and outraegous, and beautiful, and tender, and amazing, and modest, and crazy, and artistic, and thoughtful, and unsure of himself, and everything I've ever wanted, then I could, even for just a second, regain some of the control I once had over my heart.

When I was guarded I never felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff waiting for the slightest breeze to send me sailing over the edge.

When I had walls I never regretted my feelings, never feared that maybe this was the last time I would have those feelings returned to me.

When I was cautious I never sat and stared unblinking and unsure if today was the day my heart would break.

I miss those days, the days where I was safe.

And yet, everyone says that love is worth it, love is everything.

But I don't love him. And he doesn't love me. We are at a sad inbetween where who knows what the other's feeling? I am terrified to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid he'll feel trapped and that he won't want to do this anymore. And if he doesn't want to do this anymore where does that leave me?

Not alone. I have my friends, I have my family.

But it does leave me broken, another crack in an already mishapen heart.

There is a quote in this movie that I love called The Tale of Despereaux. One of the characters explains that "Sometimes when your heart breaks, it can grow back crooked. It grows back twisted and gnarled and hard."

Well, my heart was broken a long time ago. And I thought it'd mended, I thought I was the miracle child that had made it through unscathed. But that's just another messy detail of my life I've recently come to realize was completely wrong.

I hate that I didn't know myself better.

I hate that I'm not perfect.

I hate that I'm vulnerable.

I hate that something so beautiful can be just around the corner and that I just can't keep up.

I hate that I can't tell anyone about it because I'm afraid it's just a dream.

I hate and love and am utterly amazed at how wonderful he is.

I have always been the strong one, the one who's head was on straight, who always knew what to do. But now I'm afraid my head is going to fall off entirely, which I feel would be potentially dangerous if I was driving or operating machinery. I guess it's a blessing in disguise then that I don't have my driver's license.

RetrObsessed

I've always loved retro clothing. A lot. Especially clothing from the 40s and 50s because i'm pretty sure i was supposed to be born back then. I've actually just purchased a shirt dress from H&M that makes me look like a 1940s army wife, so i'm obsessed with and basically want to live in that dress for the rest of my lifee.

So, i'm on a mission to find some style icons that support my love for retro style clothing. So far i've come up with one: the lovely Katy Perry, of course. I've loved her style since i was in high school, and i'm still obsessed with it.

So that's one style icon down, and hopefully many more to come.

;]

Fabbity Fab Fab!

The life of Georgia Nicolson has been entertaining me since i was 12 years old. I thought Georgia was the most brilliant, hilarious person in the entire world. I stole her words, and phrases, and basically anything else i could so i could be as brilliant as she was. However, i am not English, which i feel was the most significant detail as to why i loved her so much. I was heartbroken when i realized i couldn't just become English. I'm actually steal dealing with this loss, even today.

So they've FINALLY made a movie about Georgia's life. Of course i HAD to rent it and see if the creators did the book justice. I mean, i liked it. I'm officially re-obsessed with Georgia Nicolson and the little voice inside my head has regained it's british accent, but i do have a few criticisms for the film.

1. The film is called "Angus, Thongs, and Perfect Snogging" when the book is clearly titled Angus, Thongs and FULL FRONTAL Snogging. Why change the title for the stupid Americans that didn't read the book and didn't see the glossary in the back which clearly defines full frontal snogging as: Kissing with all the trimmings, lip to lip, open mouth, tongues . . . everything (Apart from dribble, which is never acceptable.)
2. Jas was not nearly as annoying as in the books. In fact, i sort of liked Jas in the movie, which is not acceptable if you know the Jas i know that was painfully annoying in ALL of the books.
3. Ellen. She was basically Jas from the books in human form. She was never that tragic in the books, until she dated Dave the Laugh that is.
4. Wet Lindsay was called Slag Lindsay. Um, what?
5. Georgia did not call her parents Mutti and Vati, which i insisted on calling my parents after reading the books.
6. Dave the Laugh was not a laugh. He did have nice eyes though.
7. Robbie was not a sex god. In fact, Tom, aka Jas's very sad and ridiculous cabbage farming boyfriend, was cuter. Robbie is supposed to be the pilar of male beauty, a sex god for goodness sakes. And he was medicore. He was English though so i ended up liking him in the end, which i don't think was fair to me at all.
8. Did the Ace Gang sound a bit scottish to you?
9. Where was baldy Uncle Eddy?
10. And finally, Georgia was not as completely out of her mind as she is supposed to be. This Georgia was actually, strangely normal(ish) and i could relate to her. This Georgia was not very funny, was way too nice to Jas, and was not as rude and ridiculous as she was supposed to be. The whole time i was wondering where in the world is the Georgia i know and love? The whole reason that the books are fantastic is because Georgia is completely out of her mind and still manages to snag a sex god, and dave the laugh, and a few other (unwanted) boys as well. This Georgia was only semi-looney and so it was not completely insane that she got her man. I did end up liking the girl who played Georgia though, even if she didn't do my favorite brit justice.

In the end, i did end up liking the movie. I'm officially stuck in an English accent, and now i feel the need to reread all the books. This should be fab.

Money, Honey

(Knit shoulder dress, Urban Outfitters, $58.00)

I am absolutely broke. I think i have $1.65 in my checking account and probably less than that in my savings. And just my luck, the new Urban Outfitters catalogue came in the mail yesterday.

I would love to own that dress.
and this one too.

(Lucca Couture open-back dress, Urban Outfitters, $58.00)

And this blue chiffon one too.

(Kimchi Blue Chiffon slip dress, Urban Outfitters, $68.00)

Aside from all the spring dresses i want, i also think i need some new spring shoes.

(Deena & Ozzy Spectator Oxfords, Urban Outfitters, $48.00)

Too bad i don't have any money for ANY of it. But that's the point of a wishlist. Maybe i'll get some belated birthday presents :]

Gleek Fer Sure

I just spent the last 3 hours of my life watching Glee. I love that show. I love pretty much everything about it except for Finn because he gets on my nerves. I completely forgot how much i love that show until i finally committed to watching the last 3 episodes that i missed. And now that the season is over and i have until april to wait for new episodes, i am completely hooked.

First off, i love lea michelle. She is absolutely amazing. She is so talented. I completely forget that no one likes her character on the show because of her talent. In fact, i like rachel. I dont think she's annoying, i just think everyone is jealous of her.

Second, mercedes is phenomenal.

Third, um...Hottie Mohawk anyone? I guess his name is Puck on the show, or something, but i honestly don't care. He is so attractive. And even though he can be a jerk, he just wants to be there for his unborn child and i think that's so sweet. I, for one, like Hottie Mohawk. Except i think he should lose the mohawk.

Fourth, who is that insanely attractive asian guy thats always in the back but i never get to really see?

And of course we have Mr. Schuster. I am madly in love with him and have been since he sang Gold Digger. If you don't like him you must be blind. Or under the influence. No matter what that man does, from the his cardigans to his crooked smile, every episode i end up liking him more and more...and more.

I am officially a Gleek. And trying to figure out a way to become Mrs. Schuster. Sadly i think that adorable guidance counselor is going to beat me to it. Theres always Hottie Mohawk.

;]

p.s

I forgot to say how much i adore Kurt. He is fabulous in every way.

p.p.s

However, the number one reason i like Glee is because i love people who are talented, especially people who can sing. I am thrilled to see them perform everytime i watch Glee. I swear, it never gets old.

The Lovely Bones

If you have not read this book i am so, so sorry. It is amazing. It is the type of book that you become completely absorbed in. I was literally on my couch for two days straight because all i wanted to do was finish it. And after all those hours i spent on my couch reading this heartbreaking story, all i could do was think about the book, or talk about the book! I felt like i knew the characters and identified with them and felt the injustices they faced. Dramatic, maybe. But if you have not read this book i couldn't possibly expect you to understand.

Aaand now the movie is coming out and i am literally shaking in my boots. I can't wait. I nearly burst into tears everytime i see the commercial. No, i didn't cry while i was reading the book. But actually seeing the characters deal with each tramatic event makes it all the more real and heartwrenching. I typically don't like sad movies, but this one is also going to be uplifting and inspirational... and amazing.

Aw, can i keep him?

How cute is Justin Bieber? I can't even handle it, he is just adorable. I know he's only 15, but it's not robbing the cradle if you only look at the baby.