Is It Wrong That I'd Rather Be Almost Naked?

Ok, so I don't literally want to be almost naked like swimsuit naked, but I am getting extremely tired of wearing a lot of clothing. Fortunately [not.] for me though, I live in North Eastern Ohio where we get only the most pleasureable weather, and it's the middle of May and I'm sitting in my house FREEZING in a pair of jeans and a cardigan.

Honestly, I am ready to be wearing minimal fabric that I can just throw on and leave the house in. Am I wrong for wanting to wear clothes that are barely there? I don't think so! I have been covering my body up to my eyebrows for the past 6 months and am sincerely tired of wearing the same sweaters and tights! My legs are aching for sunlight, i'm pretty sure they're gonna fall off soon if I don't unveil them.

But anyways, I'm just ready for nicer weather. I despise thinking too hard about what I'm going to wear in the morning, and despise even more the unsatisfied feeling I get when I leave the house in an outfit I don't really love. And I've been doing that a lot lately because I am so tired of rewearing the same clothes! Plus, I have always been a fan of skirts are dresses and can't stop buying them, so when it comes to warmer clothes I'm always at a loss. I never buy them, so I never have anything to wear when it's cold except for the few sweaters I bought probably on accident. I tried to buy some this winter but ended up buying itchy acrylic cardigans that I've come to loathe.

So I'm ready to wear a dress that took 2 dollars to make because of the lack of fabric. I've been searching online for an example so I don't just sound like some sort of Nudist, but I've been unable to find exactly what I want. I guess any dress works as an example really since it's a single piece of clothing instead of the VARIOUS pieces I've been forced to wear these past months.

This dress would be a dream to wear in the summer. But who knows if it will ever be warm enough where I live for such a dress.

So going into the summer I sincerely hope for better weather. I heard we were going to have a cold summer though, which is a slap in the face after looking at all these pretty dresses. I guess I'll just have to freeze.

Please, God, Don't Let Me Buy Anything Else Floral

I am addicted to any and everything floral. It's disgusting, really, my closet is filling up fast with flowery skirts and shirts and shorts and dresses...the more I think about it the worse I feel.

But I can't help it! Really! Everytime I go shopping I'm always drawn to anything flower-covered. I try and trick myself into thinking that if I buy garments with different flowers, or maybe even just different color schemes of flowers, I won't notice that it's all I'm wearing. And I was fooling myself until I came home today with 2 new floral shirts and went to hang them up in my closet and saw the 5 flower dresses, 4 pairs of shorts and 5 MORE skirts. It's excessive.

It's like stripes and plaid are suddenly the most boring thing I've ever seen and I don't want anything to do with them. I did, however, buy a solid light pink skirt today which I was proud of (NOT floral .)

Then I bought this lace shirt in white to go with my pale pink skirt..I guess it's a FLORAL lace so make that 3 floral shirts I came home with.. And thennnn, I bought this sea foam green tank to go under the lace shirt because I like the green with the pale pink and white. So one solid color shirt is a small success I guess..even if it is going under something floral ha.

I also bought a couple pairs of shorts (denim, not floral!)

So I guess it was a pretty succesful shopping day besides adding to my collection of all things having to do with floral. I have to find another addiction.

Melancholy and Cool, Kind Of Bittersweet

Modcloth.com, $24.99

You see these two people? I'm pretty sure they're in love. And you know what? I've wanted that my entire life. Sad? Yeah, maybe a little sad, but my whole life I have desperately wanted to be in love. I mean, I would pine over the guy I liked and just completely fall for him...in secret. He, of course, would have absolutely no idea that I even liked him because I have become such an expert at hiding my feelings. Hiding my feelings meant never getting hurt, and that was the underlying goal that I never knew I had until recently. I was under the impression that the goal was to fall in love. But then again, I didn't know a lot of things until recently because over the past few months a lot has changed.

I met a boy. And he liked me. And I decided to give it a shot because I stupidly assumed that because he liked me first, that meant that he liked me more and that gave me a certain amount of control over what was going to happen. I was wrong. Because I fell for him... and I fell hard. It was completely unplanned, completely spontaneous, and completely terrifiyng. And even though there are times that I am so happy and can't believe how lucky I am to have this perfect boy in my life every single day, there are days, like today, that I'm terrified. Days that make me scold myself for not being more careful. Because now this boy means more to me than I could have even imagined, and I'm afraid he hadn't planned for it to go this far.

Maybe if he wasn't so genuine, and sweet, and caring, and funny, and awkward, and talented, and wonderful, and outraegous, and beautiful, and tender, and amazing, and modest, and crazy, and artistic, and thoughtful, and unsure of himself, and everything I've ever wanted, then I could, even for just a second, regain some of the control I once had over my heart.

When I was guarded I never felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff waiting for the slightest breeze to send me sailing over the edge.

When I had walls I never regretted my feelings, never feared that maybe this was the last time I would have those feelings returned to me.

When I was cautious I never sat and stared unblinking and unsure if today was the day my heart would break.

I miss those days, the days where I was safe.

And yet, everyone says that love is worth it, love is everything.

But I don't love him. And he doesn't love me. We are at a sad inbetween where who knows what the other's feeling? I am terrified to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid he'll feel trapped and that he won't want to do this anymore. And if he doesn't want to do this anymore where does that leave me?

Not alone. I have my friends, I have my family.

But it does leave me broken, another crack in an already mishapen heart.

There is a quote in this movie that I love called The Tale of Despereaux. One of the characters explains that "Sometimes when your heart breaks, it can grow back crooked. It grows back twisted and gnarled and hard."

Well, my heart was broken a long time ago. And I thought it'd mended, I thought I was the miracle child that had made it through unscathed. But that's just another messy detail of my life I've recently come to realize was completely wrong.

I hate that I didn't know myself better.

I hate that I'm not perfect.

I hate that I'm vulnerable.

I hate that something so beautiful can be just around the corner and that I just can't keep up.

I hate that I can't tell anyone about it because I'm afraid it's just a dream.

I hate and love and am utterly amazed at how wonderful he is.

I have always been the strong one, the one who's head was on straight, who always knew what to do. But now I'm afraid my head is going to fall off entirely, which I feel would be potentially dangerous if I was driving or operating machinery. I guess it's a blessing in disguise then that I don't have my driver's license.