Melancholy and Cool, Kind Of Bittersweet

Modcloth.com, $24.99

You see these two people? I'm pretty sure they're in love. And you know what? I've wanted that my entire life. Sad? Yeah, maybe a little sad, but my whole life I have desperately wanted to be in love. I mean, I would pine over the guy I liked and just completely fall for him...in secret. He, of course, would have absolutely no idea that I even liked him because I have become such an expert at hiding my feelings. Hiding my feelings meant never getting hurt, and that was the underlying goal that I never knew I had until recently. I was under the impression that the goal was to fall in love. But then again, I didn't know a lot of things until recently because over the past few months a lot has changed.

I met a boy. And he liked me. And I decided to give it a shot because I stupidly assumed that because he liked me first, that meant that he liked me more and that gave me a certain amount of control over what was going to happen. I was wrong. Because I fell for him... and I fell hard. It was completely unplanned, completely spontaneous, and completely terrifiyng. And even though there are times that I am so happy and can't believe how lucky I am to have this perfect boy in my life every single day, there are days, like today, that I'm terrified. Days that make me scold myself for not being more careful. Because now this boy means more to me than I could have even imagined, and I'm afraid he hadn't planned for it to go this far.

Maybe if he wasn't so genuine, and sweet, and caring, and funny, and awkward, and talented, and wonderful, and outraegous, and beautiful, and tender, and amazing, and modest, and crazy, and artistic, and thoughtful, and unsure of himself, and everything I've ever wanted, then I could, even for just a second, regain some of the control I once had over my heart.

When I was guarded I never felt like I was standing at the edge of a cliff waiting for the slightest breeze to send me sailing over the edge.

When I had walls I never regretted my feelings, never feared that maybe this was the last time I would have those feelings returned to me.

When I was cautious I never sat and stared unblinking and unsure if today was the day my heart would break.

I miss those days, the days where I was safe.

And yet, everyone says that love is worth it, love is everything.

But I don't love him. And he doesn't love me. We are at a sad inbetween where who knows what the other's feeling? I am terrified to tell him how I feel because I'm afraid he'll feel trapped and that he won't want to do this anymore. And if he doesn't want to do this anymore where does that leave me?

Not alone. I have my friends, I have my family.

But it does leave me broken, another crack in an already mishapen heart.

There is a quote in this movie that I love called The Tale of Despereaux. One of the characters explains that "Sometimes when your heart breaks, it can grow back crooked. It grows back twisted and gnarled and hard."

Well, my heart was broken a long time ago. And I thought it'd mended, I thought I was the miracle child that had made it through unscathed. But that's just another messy detail of my life I've recently come to realize was completely wrong.

I hate that I didn't know myself better.

I hate that I'm not perfect.

I hate that I'm vulnerable.

I hate that something so beautiful can be just around the corner and that I just can't keep up.

I hate that I can't tell anyone about it because I'm afraid it's just a dream.

I hate and love and am utterly amazed at how wonderful he is.

I have always been the strong one, the one who's head was on straight, who always knew what to do. But now I'm afraid my head is going to fall off entirely, which I feel would be potentially dangerous if I was driving or operating machinery. I guess it's a blessing in disguise then that I don't have my driver's license.